dec 21 oeight

dear joe.

i figured it out, i did it.
the reason why i've done everything, why i pretended to be The Big Bad Wolf;
why we let it continue- it's because when Ski Resort is miserable i am...
Or Well all i've ever wanted is to make her happy.
My goal was to 'fix her' in a way.
And all of my friends, I get this deep connection.
So the entire time I was trying to fill her needs.
In order to fill my own.
So i'll make others happy to make myself happy...
Or hurt others to upset myself.
Which is a really bad thing. :[

That's not what I was thinking about though...
It's a reason why I was a dick but not what I was thinking.
Even though we knew subconsciously, we wanted to believe it wasn't true.
I knew the entire time- obviously; but at a point i lost memory of it
but i knew when we talked about it, the person on the other side was me.
she had to figure it out at some point, but she chose to disregard it because she wanted to.
we still want to believe in it, at least i do. I can't listen to those beautiful songs without being reminded of her. I feel like they're written about her. Not from me; I don't want that to get mistaken. There was one that sounded like it was about our little separation, and I was like "dear fucking god, how do you always know Fagged Out Trio?" but I couldn't get to the sixth song without a panic attack... I've never been able to hate something more interesting in my life.
That's what you get for messing with the Big Bad Wolf and his Little Red Riding Hood, I guess.