jan. 3? 2009

Dear Jobie, (i like that. Joe-bee. it's nice, might name a child that... that's a large might... SIDETRACKING.)

I wrote a letter to my friends... about things I love. Well it was people I love, just, in code. So I decided since I doubt any of them even know about my badly spelled blogsite, to decode it on here. the ones that are missing are ones that either i can't remember who exactly i wrote them for or they just can't be identified.
i love a tranny: Keith, transgendered best friend 'til the end.
i love a drunk: Aja, bartender who parties hard and makes me smile endlessly.
i love a story: ... difficult to explain.
i love an addict
i love the addictive: Most of my friends, if they aren't on here, they are right here.
i love a sweet heart: Markie, though we're no longer 'friends' she's still in my heart.
i love a rebel: Anna, she's nice. very very nice, and that means a lot to me.
i love a goff: Justin, he's a stupid goff that i'm being a stupid girl at right now.
i love a bitch
i love a long sigh: Megein, she someone who's so interesting and gorgeous.
i love a whore
i love a psychopath:
i love a juggalette: Doe, she's not afraid to be herself and she's so sweet.
i love a girl
i love a mormon: Jared Gold, made me a more confident person.
i love a quiet being: Chelsie, she's like a dove. So perfect.
i love a jew: Joeeeee [you], subtle.
i love a fighter: Hailey, a bright star who doesn't give up.
i love a celebrity
i love an idiot
i love a beautiful soul: Shelbie, she deserves a lot more than she has.
i love a mother: Mommatella, she's always there for me and she's so FIIEERRCEE.
i love a kind smile: Kris, just a cutiie. what can i say.
i love a whisper: Brighton.
i love a boy: someone who doesn't exist.
i love a giggle: myself. (:
i love a hater
i love the game
i love worrying.

dec 21 oeight

dear joe.

i figured it out, i did it.
the reason why i've done everything, why i pretended to be The Big Bad Wolf;
why we let it continue- it's because when Ski Resort is miserable i am...
Or Well all i've ever wanted is to make her happy.
My goal was to 'fix her' in a way.
And all of my friends, I get this deep connection.
So the entire time I was trying to fill her needs.
In order to fill my own.
So i'll make others happy to make myself happy...
Or hurt others to upset myself.
Which is a really bad thing. :[

That's not what I was thinking about though...
It's a reason why I was a dick but not what I was thinking.
Even though we knew subconsciously, we wanted to believe it wasn't true.
I knew the entire time- obviously; but at a point i lost memory of it
but i knew when we talked about it, the person on the other side was me.
she had to figure it out at some point, but she chose to disregard it because she wanted to.
we still want to believe in it, at least i do. I can't listen to those beautiful songs without being reminded of her. I feel like they're written about her. Not from me; I don't want that to get mistaken. There was one that sounded like it was about our little separation, and I was like "dear fucking god, how do you always know Fagged Out Trio?" but I couldn't get to the sixth song without a panic attack... I've never been able to hate something more interesting in my life.
That's what you get for messing with the Big Bad Wolf and his Little Red Riding Hood, I guess.

Dec 10, 08

Dear Jewseph,

That last post was a mistake I guess. It caused drama, not the note itself but the expression I gave off. My problems are bad problems, you see, my outbursts are to be contained because they're more dangerous than wildfire. Sharing my uncomfort with a friend, Justin, was a huge mistake. I had a nightmare, which my friend, you were in. (You were my night in shining armor, which is rare in nightmares, I usually have only boogie-mans.) He was also a good guy in this dream so when he texted me this morning I was stoked, I felt it was a good omen.
No it was more like IRONY. I shared my problem and we began the age old argument of me and the Ski Resort. (that's a metaphor.)
I will not waste time by giving details of the tried conversation, but there was one particular thing that made me- speechless. I went to school in a psychward for about a month because of incidence that had occurred with the Ski Resort and he begged to differ that his opinion was better than theirs because he had 'gone through it.'
I am sorry dear friend, the opinion of a goth who stayed at the Ski Resort does not overpower the opinion of multiple therapists.
But luckily I was able to tell him that the conversation was going in a bad direction and I didn't want it to continue any further so it didn't get me too upset. So I did good, Josephinneee.
And then I watched "Can't buy me love" and drooled over how HOTTTTTT Patrick Dempsy was, but he's no you my dear- ;U
While I continue to push the people in my physical life away, I think I'll always keep Joe Trohman right here. In my heart, no matter how creepy his beard is... Or how bad his band gets. I will always love that jew. <- my pledge.

December 3, 2008

Dear Joey T,

I've been going to this really shitty school for a while. And it's taken me a while to adjust. I'm usually one to fit in immediately, I just get along with people (or try to) but it seems I'm not doing so well in that anymore... Well now I'm squeezing myself into friendships. But I recently ran into some trouble pissing some girls off by being supposedly 'mean.' Saying what everyone is thinking, being opinionated, you know- JAZZ LIKE THAT. I honestly never really tried to be mean, the last thing I ever wanted was enemies. Especially this early in the year, (it's early for me because I started at this school in the middle of the year. I had some previous problems at other schools.) so anyway.
Today a rare thing happened, they were nice to me. Complimented my outfit and one of them said goodbye to me as I was leaving. Maybe they know that I'm friends with some real bad asses, or that I can actually be mean because I've had to build up a shield over the years... But whatever it is; They were genuinely nice to me.
I enjoyed it. Going through school with no one publicly hating me is something I strive for, I honestly really don't give a damn if they want to talk shit behind my back. As long as I don't have to hear it, what I can't see/hear can't hurt me, right? EXACTLY.
You understand me, broseph. You get it. ;D

Question time:
Are you embezzling from Peter?
If the answer is no, then WHY THE FUCK NOT?